friendship, part one (that didn't get as deep as I imagined)
If you're a person in your thirties as I am it's probably a good idea to have friends. I have had very few in my adulthood, and over the past few years none that I could get to on foot or by means of public transport. Which is to say, I have no friends in Italy, yet I know people here whose faces give me the impression of being open to friendship. Those have been colleagues or possibly from other social situations that I find tedious to think back on as a way of exemplifying them here.
I think friendship is an important social bond that should obviously be available at any age, but in your thirties it feels like there's no going back from choosing to have no friends or having restraints that keep you away from this kind of contact, and whether it's a choice or restraint based on personal incapabilities there must be overlaps from either.
Personally I feel fatigued by friendly faces and even more uneasy before unpleasant ones when we happen to be 'just chatting'. This isn't ideal, it was never always like this and there's an underlying reason, that's hard to pinpoint.
Even though I often need to escape and hide from some conversations and prepare myself for others, I try to compensate by being polite and 'nice'. I suspect that a therapist as well as my ADHD and probable autism would have something to say about this, but if I can hypothesise the scenario I'd say that therapy words that would hypothetically be an explanation or a reason or whatever might clash with these two neurodevelopmental disorders on cognitive and acceptance levels, and might lead to more confusion.
Which is what I could do without. I try to minimise confusion wherever possible and beg for clarity. There will be people like me, in a sense, who share some of these feelings, but they might not be nice.